Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Monday, December 6, 2010

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Take me here.

"And we'll spend each day like it's the last day of the rest of our lives."

Saturday, November 27, 2010

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Alone but never lonely.

This is where I always want to be. Whether it be alone or in company. I always want to be
here. Not on this blanket on the grass at the park but in this pleasantly content mental
space. Where the time is slow and the air is clear and my mind is at ease.
To be completely comfortable by myself and in my own skin-this is what life is all about.
To do exactly what you want to do when you want to do it whether anyone tags along or
not. I've been wanting to do this for so long and finally Matt is here from Seattle so that
brought me to do this. He's not even here. I drove all the way to Detroit Street even
though his phone died. I figured I could just ring the doorbell, which happened to be
broken. I'm just letting life happen. I'm watching the people walking and running with
strollers, bikes, dogs, with each other and alone. This is what life is all about. Just being.

Friday, November 19, 2010

So, I don't have a boyfriend or fiance or husband. I don't have a shit load of money. I don't have an amazing career. I don't own a house, or even rent one. I don't drive a cool and expensive car.
I have some money, I have an amazing family and awesome friends. My Honda kicks ass and there are far worse things than living with my parents. I have found happiness not because of the crap that I have but because of the appreciation I have for the world around me, and the people in my life.

Someone may be extremely successful, with all the money in the world, cars and a marriage and still be miserable. I don't have any of those things and I'm happy. I'm just happy to be alive. I'm just stoked to have two legs and two arms and my vision and my hearing. I'm so damn lucky that it's hard to NOT be happy. I think appreciation makes people happy, along with learning to love yourself. There is so many amazing beautiful things and sites to see in this world. There is so much great music, literature, film and art in the world. The world is an amazing thing and life is something so sacred that it is foolish not to love it. Life could be worse. Life is worse for many unfortunate people. We must make do with what we have. Life truly is what you make it. If you make it out to be a piece of shit worthless life, then you're a worthless piece of shit. If you make life out to be worth while and something truly beautiful, then you are a beautiful and valuable human being.

I could never be happy getting married. I could never be happy after having a crap load of money. I could never be happy once I get my dream job. I have to be happy first. I have to be happy in order to fall in love with someone. I have to be happy so that I can get my dream job. Happiness come first.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Short But Sweet

I think
about you
every time I drive by that crappy motel we stayed in when we were too drunk
to drive home. We stripped ourselves of all our fears and jumped naked on the bed.
We snacked on each other like sunflower seeds. You always did love those things.
You had some kind of obsession with salt. You always licked the tears off my face.
If anything became too salty, we always smiled through it all. Between our long drives
in your beat up truck and racing barefoot to the beach, there was never a moment
that wasn't exciting. Never a time when we weren't beaming. Our events of connection
play over and over in my head like a movie. I play it in slow motion to make it last
longer. I could spend a full twenty-four hour day with you and it still wouldn't be
enough. Time escaped out the windows we rolled down to let the wind in. That wind
carried us to the rose garden where you picked seventy-six roses to represent each day
we were together. It carried us to the ferris wheel on the pier where we laughed so hard
we cried. I could write a list. I remember it all. You kissed me. Good-bye. I was left
and you were leaving. We never said we were sad.

Postsecret inspires me.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Life is what you make it.

Quit complaining about how tough life is. This man has it harder than most and isn't complaining about anything. Count your blessings. Be happy that you are alive. Appreciate life.

No Arms, No Legs, No Worries.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Paint Sound Sculptures

Canon Pixma: Bringing colour to life from Dentsu London on Vimeo.

Everyday I am impressed by new and fascinating things. I wish I was creative and intelligent enough to discover amazing and beautiful art.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Life is what you make it.

"If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence... Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now. "
-Narrator, 500 Days of Summer

Saturday, September 25, 2010

"Who Likes to Dance Across the Earth?"

Here I am, giving peace another dance.
Giving peace another chance. Illuminated
greens and purples reflecting from bright
eyes, changing the colors of the trees.
Everyone is free. Not to rebel, to be true.
No negative words, only positive verbs.
Happening hugs. Beats progressing from
every direction, difficult to identify. Just
being content with the music and through
the music. Prescribing moods and creating
smiles. Trading a woven bracelet for a lovely
feather with a precious woman named Kitty.
Promising embraces and locked in pupils
connecting. No words needed, only acceptance.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Crazy August

I have been meaning to blog for many reasons and have nothing but jumbled up words and songs and images. My adventures have been of amazement and beauty and I am not looking forward to going back to work.
I do know for sure that this has been on my mind for the past 3 weeks.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Post Secret

Frank Warren is a man who cares about others and supports everyone to care about others. What started as an art project to help people blow off steam or get things off their chest has become a huge movement across the world. It is so beautiful to see people of all ages, shapes, and sizes reach out to strangers to help them realize this life is worth living. The connection Post Secret has with the Hopeline suicide prevention program has created awareness that there are people out there who give a damn and will sit and listen and help you through your tough time. It is extremely beautiful to see people that truly do care about the way people feel. Life is very giving but some people need to be reminded of that. We all need to help each other overcome our personal obstacles. While I am extremely fortunate to have the support system that I have, not everyone is as lucky. Strangers are still humans. Everyone is beautiful and has an extreme need to be a part of this world.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Talk All You Want

With a quiet smile and a hidden roll of the eyes,

she made up her mind about her morning.

Wanting affection, she only received distance

and detachment. It was time to leave.

She seemed happy even though her brain

was loudly cursing. Her feelings, fake.

Wanting to hide in the goodness, pretending

everything was perfect. Ignoring that it wasn't.

He was so close, but she couldn't feel him.

Feverishly fighting for fruitful fondness.

She just wanted to keep falling. She felt

the need to keep pushing. She couldn't pull

the strings. She couldn't even reach them.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Toni Cade Bambara - "The Johnson Girls" Gorilla, My Love

"A man, no matter how messy he is, I mean even if he some straight-up basket case, can always get some good woman, two or three for that matter, to go for his shit. Right? But a woman? If her shit ain't together, she can forget it unless she very lucky and got a Great Ma Drew working roots. If she halfway together and very cold-blooded, then maybe she can snatch some sucker and bump his head. But if she got her johnson together, is fine in her do, superbad in her work, and terrible, terrible extra plus with her woman thing, well . . . she'll just bop along the waves forever with nobody to catch her up, cause her thing is so tough, and it's so crystal clear she ain't goin for bullshit, that can't no man pump up his boyish heart good enough to come deal with her one on one." -172

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I have a freckle on my long skinny toe.
Right next to my big toe.
"Hogan toes," my Uncle Bish calls 'em.
I got 'em from my dad. He got 'em from my grandpa.
It took me a while to be okay with my, "Alien toes,"
as my sister calls 'em.
I always hated my feet. It looks like I have fingers
on my feet. When I was younger I tried to hide
them. I hardly wore sandals and I always wore socks.
There was never a moment when I fell in love with my feet
or accepted them.
I just stopped giving a shit.
They're feet! Everyone's feet look weird.
After finally getting over myself I was able to accept
them. I came to love them because they're different
and they're mine and they run in the family. This freckle,
this tiny adorable freckle, on my long skinny toe,
makes my feet perfect.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Twenty-Four Years

Twenty-four years remind the tears of my eyes.
(Bury the dead for fear that they walk to the grave in labour.)
In the groin of the natural doorway I crouched like a tailor
Sewing a shroud for a journey
By the light of the meat-eating sun.
Dressed to die, the sensual strut begun,
With my red veins full of money,
In the final direction of the elementary town
I advance for as long as forever is.

-Dylan Thomas

Monday, May 3, 2010

Don't stop believing in yourself.

Now, while Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" is a classic song, I have grown to dislike it. This is due to the unnecessary amount of times I hear it at night at the bar where I work. My mother showed me an episode of Ellen Degeneres that has revived this song and the appreciation of its meaning:

I wish all kids had this confidence and excitement for life.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Land of the free, home of the bullshit.
I can write free and I can write bullshit.
I won't know the difference until I'm
done. I multitask the aftermath when
boredom is wearing me thin. Boredom
never really exists because we always
have something to do. While it's slow at
work and I only have one table, I'm
grateful for the free time (or bullshit time.)
I'm still getting paid minimum wage. Hey,
it's better than nothing.
I won't go outside unless I HAVE to. The
wind is freezing my hands. My mother
makes my phone vibrate with her typed
reminder that it's two of my cousin's birthdays.
Texting them will take a few minutes out of my
silly shift at shellback. My lunch rush
of four tables is over at 2:30 with
$12 in my cup. It's April 21st and it's
still Winter outside. I want Summer to be
here but only when I'm not working.
Even though I'm not making money, I
enjoy the quiet time to myself. After all,
I'm not that ecstatic about being a waitress.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

cotton mouth

liberating tendencies

all after one form of truth



constant boggle of whereabouts

pending on the next location

next destiny



often hope of creativity

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Sixty

I've been looking forward to a break and a chance to get out of the South Bay. My small vacation of two days in Palm Springs has not quite begun. I have been in this car for three and a half hours. I was right on time and even got some things done around the house before I left. It started to rain right before I left the house and has been off and on. The ninety-one freeway had some pretty bad traffic and finally cleared after about forty-five minutes. I received a text message from my boss demanding if I did or did not have a shot during my shift on Saturday night. While focusing more on responding to his text than the road, I made a sudden decision to take the sixty. I NEVER take the sixty freeway. I figured it was no big deal since I could just take it to the ten. I was thinking it would be fun because it goes through the mountains. Well I got smacked in the face with traffic. I have been sitting here for a little over an hour. No one is moving. We have not moved an inch in more than sixty minutes. The only time we did move was OFF THE ROAD as much as we could to give the fire truck and ambulance room to get through on this two lane highway to the accident up in front. A fireman in his full garb guided me until the bumper of my car was literally touching the side of the mountain. People are walking around, talking on phones, walking up and down the road to see what is happening. "I say we just keep walking until we hit Palm Springs," A cute red headed kid just said to his friend followed by chuckles walking past my car. They are dressed for a nice hot day by the pool in their tennis shoes and plaid shorts. Too bad it's friggin raining. A man climbed up on the top of a small mountain on the side of the road to get a better view. Parents are taking their kids up to see what all the fuss is about. Two young men walked by, one holding a camera pointing at the other one walking backwards while the other young man was walking toward him. I smiled immediately when I heard the young man flowing his lyrics. These boys thought this was a great opportunity for a music video. I appreciated their creativity that stemmed from this ridiculous mess.

While I am a little irritated, this is still better than working surrounded by drunk people pulling at me and ignoring me. I am able to catch up on reading anyway so it's kind of relaxing. It is quite interesting seeing the different ways people deal with a situation like this. It reminds me of waiting for the ferry to board cars in Vancouver, B.C. to take us to Vancouver Island. The only difference is I don't have my traveling buddy Luna with me. I've been eating all my Easter candy, craving a cigarette, reading the paper, listening to Dr. Laurie on KFWB talk radio and typing on my computer. My phone is almost dead and my parents are mad at me for taking the sixty highway. I wonder how long it will take but at least I have plenty of things to keep me occupied in my car. I still want a cigarette. People are running back to their cars and starting their engines. My vacation awaits.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

List of exciting things in the near future.

I need to be on the road.

Palm Springs will be a perfect little trip. I am feeling trapped in the South Bay. I need to break out for at least two days. It's better than nothing.

-My sister's birthday
-Allura shows
-House sitting for friends and hanging out with their kitty
-S. Coles graduation party
-My brother's graduation
-Road trip to Portland and Seattle
-My friend's Shakespeare play
-A new feather

-Everything in between!

Today I had a breakthrough. I had a very productive day. Exercise is needed along with a healthy diet. I am proud to be in touch with my body. I am also excited for new opportunities and new adventures. My life will continue to be boring if I don't succeed in doing something to change it. Talk is very cheap.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I am currently living in my parents home. My parents have become my friends in the past few years and I have no problems living with them except for the fact that I need to be on my own to grow as a person. I am 24 years old and can't find alone time in my own house. I am looking for an apartment or house to rent with my lifelong friend. I check out craigslist from time to time and there are a lot of places that seem too good to be true. There are places that are completely dumpy, then there are places that seem realistic. My friend has a dog and we would both like a yard for her pup. We would like to find a place that allows dogs and cats. Most apartments don't allow dogs which is why we want to find a small house to rent.
The other day I found an apartment in Torrance that allows cats and dogs. They had two pictures to prove that dogs and cats are allowed in their apartment complex.

These pups are buddies!

That cat looks scary.

These pictures don't make me want to rent this apartment any more than I did before. Even though I do think they are cute and entertaining.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Sooooo, it turns out that the new Portugal. The Man doesn't physically come out until May. It was only released digitally in March. I didn't even know this happened. Technology has slipped one passed me once again. I finally started looking online to purchase it and I couldn't even figure that one out. Well, I have to wait until May, which I can't because I want it now. Portugal. The Man just has amazing artwork that I want in my possession. I may have to resort to the $9.99 download on iTunes. We shall see . . . I will be going to Fingerprints in Long Beach today which is a great record store. I can usually find what I'm looking for there.
Right now I'm listening to Beach House. It is my newest mellow-dreamy-alternative music that is keeping me smiley. "We parted our lips and reached from inside." This boy/girl duo is getting me excited for the summer. This summer is going to be epic. Most summers are. Seattle is awaiting my arrival. I cannot wait to be in the Seattle rays and the Seattle greens. My mouth is beginning to water. Music all day today. Record store and music/ art show tonight at Suzy's. Life is quite simple when you have beautiful things to enjoy in it.
"Lover of Mine" Live.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"Get the feather flying." -C.S.M.

The seashell lies on top of a stone
platform, surrounded by large feathers.
About to take flight. The length
of its existence is unknown.
The impression and the meaning
is forever. The euphoric satisfaction
of its placement is beyond
necessity. It's perfection.

I really did find the perfect place to put that shell.

Stomping on the ground
with my boots, losing
my balance but always catching
myself. Hand up reaching
for the energy, pulling it towards
me and sweating it inside. The music
predicts my next move. My body
predicts the next beat.


After finally getting my mother's chihuahua Bella to pee outside in the rain, I was able to leave and still make it to work on time. I gave the pups kisses good-bye, grabbed my snacks and headed out the door. After walking up and down the block a couple of times in the rain, I realize that my car is gone. Hoping my mom would have some kind of answers and resorting to habits of my childhood, I called her freaking out. She had no answers except to take her car to work. On my way to work in my mother's oversized SUV, I called the police department to find out that my lovely black Honda had been towed this morning from the front of my house because last night I parked it beautifully blocking a neighbors driveway. How could I be so stupid? I'm not quite sure. My only defense is that it was late, dark, raining and there are only two driveways on my block. Either way, I'm a moron and have disappointed myself yet again.
My manager texted me saying what I thought would be wondering where I was. Instead, he tells me that my Boss' father just passed away. How depressing. Suddenly my problems went away. That put a sad mood over the whole day. The waves were huge and I saw many surfers out there risking their lives for what they love. I ended up only having four tables by 3:45. The day consisted of playing games on my phone, talking to Johnny Ryan about death, and shooting the shit with Dorey about what's, "unamerican." Another slooooow day at The Shellback Tavern. One hour and forty-five minutes left. I just ate a philly cheese steak sandwich and Julio gave me a pack of cigarettes that he found earlier when he was cleaning. Such a strange day. This is my life. Now if I could just get my car out of the impound.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The new Portugal. The Man album American Ghetto came out last week. I could easily get it on iTunes but I want the real deal. Best Buy doesn't have it. Borders doesn't have it. I need to either go to the lovely Fingerprints in Long Beach or the amazing Amoeba in Hollywood. I will make a list and check it twice and make my way either 20 minutes north or 20 minutes south to get what I want. A trip to music land. I remember when I could just walk to the record store and get whatever I wanted. Now, the music I want is so far away. Well, not that far away at all. Compared to two blocks away, a little more of a stretch. What about kids that don't have cars? It's sad that we have lost such amazing and convenient record stores. Go Boy Records was right by my house in Redondo Beach. Scooters in Hermosa is long gone. We lost that about six years ago. Even the newer Rocket ship Records in Hermosa only lasted a short time. If I want the new Carrie Underwood album or the new Black Eyed Peas album, I have no problem going to the closest Target or Best Buy to find it. If I want to get good music that I enjoy, I have to make a trek. I don't mind spending $9.99 on iTunes but I like the whole feel of a new CD, with the album artwork and details. The artwork for Portugal. The Man is so fun, colorful and thought provoking. I want the real CD and I will get it!


Pumping gas with money out my ass
I got a cold jamba juice awaiting
more cash for my hungover boy
behind the bar. I hope to get
a healthy meal and one drink
instead of two. It's not even one
in the afternoon. Can't get drunk,
got stuff to do. Already crossed
post office off my list. Saturday
is a bad day for errands. Crowded.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Ohh the Irony of Life

I just picked granola crumbs out of my plastic covered "jury badge." I feel so important. The video was so great- "It's so rewarding to be a juror and you learn so much about the way the system works. It's interesting. You feel good about yourself for helping out." So . . . what about the bills? What about the kids? What about the people that depend on you on a daily basis? Parents have to make their children walk home, have strangers make them lunch, arrange rides and carpools. Not to mention the bigger challenge of making accommodations for a child or loved one that is physically or mentally disabled. Shifts need to be covered, phone calls need to be made. Not everyone has a personal assistant. Most employers do not pay for their employee to do jury "service," especially if you're just a shitty waitress. My main title for my occupation is already "service." Fifteen dollars a day is NOT rewarding and it does NOT make you feel good about yourself when you have a family that you are letting down and the economy is shit. There just has to be a better way.
I'm freezing my patootie off in this trailer. They stick you in this tiny space with all these uncomfortable chairs. I took a nap in fetal position which caused much indigestion when I woke up. There is some tool who "backs up everything on his computer with the program Time Machine" stretching on the floor. People are friggin weird.
Then again, people probably think I'm weird. I'm not dressed like a twenty-four year old. I don't have my business suit on. I'm not carrying my briefcase with me. I'm in the corner with two chairs facing each other to rest my legs as an ottoman would, jotting down God knows what in my five year old sparkling glitter journal with a dripping heart in front. I probably look like I'm eighteen. The only reason I look that old is because that's the youngest jurors can be. Am I just a nostalgic angsty twenty-four year old bitching about how life is unfair in her diary? Or am I making valid points and discussing intelligent truth with herself?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Shutter Island

Despite the fact that I already believe that Martin Scorsese is the most valuable and talented filmmaker of all time (At least of my time), his film was nothing short of amazing. I am not a fan of scary movies. This includes horror films and psychological thrillers. I don't like being freaked out or being on the thin line of a heart attack. I don't enjoy being frightened. However, I like films of all kinds so I am more than happy to sit and be consumed by one. Martin Scorsese is not only my idol but the smartest mother fucker in the industry as far as I'm concerned. The reason why I went to see this film in theaters is because it is Scorsese's. I have seen every film he has made and I learn something new every single time I watch and re-watch one of his films. I cannot get over how beautiful the lighting was in the ENTIRE film. I swear it is the most inspiring thing to see people do anything that is immensely tedious such as lighting a scene, making fancy food, writing a novel, building a car, etc.
Although I am physically tense and mentally exhausted, I believed the film to be one of the most beautiful pieces of art I have ever seen. The camera work was impressive. There was a particular scene where the camera was placed at an extremely low angle. This reminded me of the camera work in Orson Welles' Citizen Kane. Pieces of wood in the floor were removed to achieve a similar low angle. This is beautiful to me because of the thoughts and creative ideas that goes into certain films. Martin Scorsese always puts 120 % into each film and treats it as a painting or a book he is writing. So much goes into film making which is why it take years to finish a project. The flashbacks were so colorful and gave the viewer hints into the thoughts of the main character and what the underlying truth of why he was on this island. This film forces the viewer to emotionally connect to the character and the intense situation he is in.
Shutter Island left me feeling crazy and a little paranoid. Although these are not positive feelings, that means the film was very strong. It did it's job by making the viewer (myself) ask questions, search for answers and have trouble sleeping.

Monday, February 22, 2010

I always looked up to her. I still do, even though she's been gone for one year.